


goner

by lovemattel



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Its sad I’m sorry, Lesbian AU, Mental Illness, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25491658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemattel/pseuds/lovemattel
Summary: “you can’t keep doing this”“i know”
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

"you can’t keep doing this"

she was here again, legs dangling out the window of trixies small bedroom. she took a drag of her red lipstick stained cigarette, looking over at the younger girl, with concerned eyes. 

"i know" trixie replied with her head down, anxiously playing with her blonde curls. 

"it's not good for you" 

trixie felt ashamed. but she couldn't help it. the taller girl walked over to trixie, caressing her soft blushed cheeks and placing a chaste kiss on her lips. 

"i love you" trixie breathed 

"i know you do."


	2. Chapter 2

the smell of smoke lingered in the air long after the girl had left. trixie was shaken out of her daydream as her mother knocked on her door and entered the room, without waiting for permission.

"who were you talking to?" she asked, already knowing the answer. 

trixie looked down, avoiding meeting her eyes.

"trixie i told you to stop this" her mother's temper was rising, despite her attempts to keep her cool in fear of her daughters reaction.

"just leave, mom" trixie whispered.

_

trixie sat on the brown leather couch of her therapists office, it was cold on her legs. silence filled the room, the only sound was the ticking of the clock bouncing off the thin, white walls.

"miss mattel?" the woman repeated.

"oh sorry, what did you say?"

"how has this past week been?" she paused, "any.. visits?"

trixie nodded weakly.

"what did you both talk about?"

"we talked about how she shouldn't be here- how i shouldn't let her here"

her therapist nodded, scrawling notes in her book. the session dragged, trixie's answers were painfully abrupt. she didn't want to be here, her mother made her. she wasn't _crazy._

once her session was over, trixie went home to find her mother sat on her bed, looking through old photo albums. 

"you were so cute" she smiled. trixie sat beside her and took the album in her hand, running her finger over the picture. baby trixie. she had the same blonde curly locks, the same smile, the same eyes. 

"look how happy you were," her mother frowned, "before-"

trixie's heart sank.

"i love her, mom"

"stop lying. you're lying to me, to yourself. trixie you're tearing this family apart" she yelled, eyes brimmed with tears.

trixie stood up, and ran. she ran and ran and ran. she was sick of everyone telling her who she could love. she was exhausted.

she ran to the cliff side, over looking her small dismal town. this was their spot. every time trixie felt her thoughts become unbearable, she would meet her here. she would always be there at the exact moment trixie needed her.

she was sat with her back to trixie, wind blowing her short platinum hair. the sunset cast a shadow on her hollow cheekbones. 

"katya" trixie whispered. 

no one knew the girls name but trixie. katya was special to trixie, just for her. to her mother, her father, her therapist she was merely 'that girl'. trixie was scared of letting anyone into their relationship. she was scared of losing her. if no one knew her name, no one could take her from her. 

katya looked up, beckoning the other girl to sit next to her. trixie joined her and watched over the small town below them. it looked comical from afar, tiny cars, tiny houses. tiny people living tiny lives. trixie wished she could be one of those people. but she knew she couldn't.

trixie's eyes fixated on the ground below them, while katya rubbed her back slowly.

"you know i won't let you do it, right?" katya sighed, tucking a stray piece of golden hair behind trixie's ear.

"i know"


	3. Chapter 3

trixie desperately tried to drown out the sound of screaming from downstairs. her parents were fighting again. fighting about her. 

_why couldn't she be normal?_

trixie didn't go to school. she couldn't. trixie wasn't well. she was overwhelmed with anxiety, unable to string a sentence together in the presence of unfamiliarity. she had developed unhealthy coping mechanisms to fight her own brain, that was so desperate to tear her apart. 

the only good thing she had was katya. but to have katya she had to lose her family. she didn't understand their hatred for the girl. well, deep inside she did, but she could never admit that to herself. 

the first time she met katya was the night she often tries to erase from her brain. the voices had become to strong. she had no option. trixie knew she wouldn't be here if she hadn't seen katya that night. katya had appeared the very moment trixie gave up. it was fate. they were meant to be together.

she owed her life to katya. but her parents did not see this. her parents blamed katya for trixie's state of mind. countless nights trixie would hear her mother crying. all because of trixie. the perfect family had been tarnished by trixie's illness. 

_

trixie heard a tapping noise coming from her window. she wedged it open to see katya smiling up at her. the older girl climbed through into trixie's room. 

"i missed you" trixie squealed.

"i missed you more" katya smiled back.

katya noticed dry tears stained on trixies face, and brushed a finger over them softly. she grabbed her hand and pulled her to the bed.

"baby, are you okay?" she questioned softly. trixie nodded in response.

katya leant in and kissed trixie's lips softly. she pulled away for a second, mouthed an _i love you_ and brought her lips back to trixie's. they kissed again, much more passionately this time. katya licked trixie's bottom lip, asking permission to enter. trixie opened her moth and invited their tongues to swirl against each other, fighting for dominance. katya's hands ran all over the younger girls body, lifting her top over her head. trixie followed along until they were both naked. katya took trixie's full breasts into her hands, massaging them slowly. she took her right nipple into her mouth, causing trixie's breathing to hitch. 

"i need you" trixie moaned. and with that, katya's hands made their way to touch the girls damp panties. she rubbed her slowly through the fabric, and then slipped them off as trixie became more and more impatient. she brought her mouth to trixie's thighs. she kissed along them until she reached her clit, swirling her tongue around it, placing pressure in all the right places. trixie tried to stifle her moans.

"i want to hear you baby" katya growled, causing trixie to let out a loud moan. she was rewarded by katya slipping a finger into her dripping entrance, closely followed by a second. katya curled her fingers and continued to suck on her clit. trixie grasped onto katya's messy hair for dear life, and katya's spare hand made its way back to grabbing her breasts. trixie felt a heat build up in her stomach, moaning katya's name. she knew she was close. katya could sense it and picked up the speed until trixie reached her climax, a writhing mess beneath the older girl. katya worked trixie through her orgasm, then brought her face back up to kiss her deeply on the lips. they made out messily for a few minutes as trixie regained her energy and began to return the favour. she worked katya until she too came to her orgasm, moaning pet names and running her hands through her long curly locks. 

they both lied there, cuddling and peppering small kisses on their faces until they drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

trixie awoke to an empty bed. katya must have left in the middle of the night. trixie frowned, missing the feeling of the older girl against her skin.

trixie wasn't in a good place today. she felt a cloud over her head. sadness was all too familiar to her, scarily comforting. she looked in the mirror and didn't recognise the face staring back at her. when has she lost control? 

she looked into her eyes. the same eyes that had seen the presents under the tree on christmas day. she looked at her nose. the same nose that smelt the bacon cooking early in the morning by her father. she looked at her mouth. the same mouth that sung along to country songs in the back of the family car. she looked at her ears. the same ears that heard her mother whisper 'everything is going to be okay'. 

_what happened to the girl in the mirror?_

a tear ran down her cheek. that's the trixie she recognised. broken.

_

trixie's heart fluttered at the tapping on her window that she had become so accustomed to. she watched as the tall thin girl climbed into her room. her bright white teeth smiled through her deep red lips. katya grabbed trixie's hand, pulling her along. 

"where are we going?" trixie giggled.

"you'll see"' katya smirked.

the two girls strolled in the afternoon sun, trixie following katya's lead. finally, katya came to a stop. she had taken them to a field sprinkled in daisies. they lied on their backs, looking up at the sky as the sun slowly started to set. a cast of pinks and purples echoed over the field. it was peaceful, calm. 

katya tucked a stray piece of golden hair behind trixie's ear as they gazed into each other's eyes. they talked about everything and nothing. trixie laughed more than she had laughed in a long time. katya rambled on about her favourite movie and that trixie couldn't stand, but she could recite each line word for word from the amount of times katya had spoke about it. trixie pretended to be annoyed, but she loved the way katya was so passionate about things. trixie told her all about the songs she written. each word came straight from the heart, clearly about kaya. katya was the only person that trixie was comfortable around. the only person she was fully herself around.

katya picked the daisies and placed them carefully into trixie's hair. she placed a kiss on her forehead, and trixie smiled, giving her a kiss on the lips in return. the kiss was short and sweet, but yet so full of love.

katya noticed trixie had become quiet. she was looking at katya like she held the world. 

"what?" katya questioned, confused by the intense stare.

"nothing, i just like you." trixie replied, her face turned a light shade of crimson. 

the two girls burst into a fit of laughter. the sound of their giggles carried by the wind. trixie felt happy. genuinely happy. 

_maybe things weren't so bad after all._


	5. Chapter 5

katya hasn't visited in a while. the first night, trixie stayed up waiting to hear the quiet tapping on the window. the night turned to day, and still no sign of her. it had now been two weeks since she had seen her, and she had cried herself to sleep every day.

trixie felt things start to deteriorate. she had stopped going to therapy, stopped leaving her room, stopped eating, stopped sleeping. she was stuck in a rut she couldn't escape. there was no point getting out of bed. no point in anything anymore. 

her parents didn't know how to help. at first they were encouraging, but there's only so much they could do.

_

"trixie, can we talk?" her mother asked, quietly knocking on her bedroom door. trixie didn't answer, but she came in anyway. she looked scared. walking on eggshells around her daughter. she sat on the bed next to trixie. god, she couldn't even look her in the eye. 

"me and your father are separating" she stated, putting those words out there, bracing for the repercussions.

trixie looked up, her eyes glazed. she knew this was her fault. _everything was her fault._ as much as she wanted to breakdown, she couldn't cry. she just sat there. emotionless on the outside, barely together on the inside. 

trixie's mother saw the disinterest in her daughter's face, sighed, and left the room. the moment the door closed trixie let herself go. she sobbed into her pillow, her breathing erratic. 

"katya i need you" she choked.

this was all her fault. if she wasn't such a disappointment of a daughter her parents wouldn't fight every day. she ruined everything. she didn't deserve katya. she didn't deserve anything. 

anger filled trixie's chest. maybe this was katya's fault. her parents hated the girl. maybe trixie should hate her too. _god, katya. where are you._

hot tears streamed down trixie's face, her hands shook viciously. she felt her chest tighten as it became hard to breathe. 

she grabbed a black marker and opened the lid. she wrote katya's name into her open diary. she took a deep breath and looked at it for a while. why is she ignoring her when she needs her the most?

she scratched her name onto the desk. then her closet. then her door. again and again. _katya. katya. katya. katya. katya._ she filled every wall with the word. the more she wrote it the more foreign and strange it became. every surface in her room was covered in black scribbles, transcribed into the older girl's name. _katya. katya. katya. katya. katya._ she hated her with every fibre of her being, yet she loved her more than anything else in the world. _katya. katya. katya. katya. katya._ every scrap of paper, every inch of furniture was filled. everywhere she looked the girls name taunted her.

trixie collapsed onto the floor. she gave up. maybe she was crazy after all. 

_katya. katya. katya. katya._


	6. Chapter 6

trixie had given up. she couldn't carry on without her. 

without katya the sky is a dull grey. without katya her favourite song is just noise. without katya the rain falls a little harder.

trixie missed everything about her. the lipstick stained cigarettes she left on the windowsill. her crazy accessories that only she could pull off. her bright white smile that lit up every room. 

katya wasn't coming. katya didn't care about trixie. no one cared about trixie. 

she stepped out into the darkness, feeling the rain against her skin. she didn't need to think about which way to go, muscle memory took her there. as the rain became heavier, so did her heart. the tears streaming down her face were washed away with every rain drop. she began to run faster and faster. peering behind her, hoping katya would chase after her. stop her. 

when she arrived at their spot, she stopped and caught her breath. her sobs had subsided to emptiness. she felt so numb, so broken. 

her toes lingered off the edge of the cliff side. the wind blew her hair behind her. she looked out to the tiny town. the town that didn't understand her. didn't accept her. except one girl. she was the only one that could help her. trixie needed her to come and talk her down. hold her and protect her from the world.

she took a shaky breath and looked around one last time for the girl to come and save her. she wasn't coming. and trixie knew it.

katya wasn't real.


End file.
